The Lighter Side

Looking for a good story for a Sermon? Heard something humorous that worked well in a presentation or lecture? Here's some we enjoy. If you've got another good one -- please share it with us and we'll post it for everyone to enjoy!

Resources

A Dieter's Prayer

Grandpa's Hands -- Some good sermon fodder about Grandpa's hands

A Poetic Reflection on the Gospel book used in Mass, Book

Silent -- a wonderful poem about a garden, its beauty and who created it

I'd rather see a sermon than hear one -- Edgar Guest

A Solitary Life -- an interesting perspective on the Life of Christ

Quick Quips

“You know you’re getting old when you see a pretty woman and your pace maker opens the garage door.”

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did 'in the beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

“Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting. Show Me."

So, the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh, no, no, no..." interrupts God,

"Get your own dirt."

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

Don't cut your conscience to fit this year's fashions -- Lillian Hellman

The best things in life aren't things -- Art Buchwald

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us -- Helen Keller

Ten enemies cannot do a man the harm that he does to himself -- Yiddish Proverb

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior -- A.J. Liebling

We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we are curious--and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths -- Walt Disney

Learning is discovering that something is possible -- Fritz Perls

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still -- Chinese Proverb

Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out -- James Bryant Conant

It's often said that life is strange, oh yes, but compared to what? -- Steve Forbert

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can -- Danny Kaye

Visits always give pleasure – if not the arrival, the departure -- Portuguese Proverb

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try -- Beverly Sills

When guests stay too long, try treating them like members of the family. If they don't leave then, they never will -- Martin Ragaway

I don't know what the big deal is about old age. Old people who shine from the inside look 10 to 20 years younger -- Dolly Parton

Broken eggs can never be mended -- New England Proverb

You will never be the person you can be if pressure, tension, and discipline are taken out of your life -- James G. Bilkey

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The best advice is found on the pillow -- Danish Proverb

Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into, the mind -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

He who would go a hundred miles should consider ninety-nine as halfway -- Japanese Proverb

By perseverance the snail reached the ark -- Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Good luck beats early rising -- Irish Proverb

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit -- R.E. Shay

Short and Sweet

Moshe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "God, if you find me a parking spot I promise that I'll eat only kosher, I'll respect Shabbat and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."

As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks to organizations on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars. "Giving these presentations is part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?" "That would be wonderful," she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."

During his speech at my cousin's graduation, Bill Cosby was making the point that true wisdom comes not from a classroom but from life. When he was in college, he said, his class endlessly discussed the question: Is the glass half full or half empty? So Cosby asked his grandmother the same question. She had it all figured out: "Depends on whether you're pouring or drinking."

I've been hauling trash for years, so when the sign "Garbage" appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: "After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!" I emptied the can and left. The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: "Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage!"

Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company's website with the following words underneath: "Updated daily."