Posted March 21, 2003
Is It Real -- Or Just Your Ego?
Anthony De Mello, SJ
Do you think I am going to help anybody? No! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Don't
expect me to be of help to anyone. Nor do I expect to damage anyone. If
you are damaged, you did it; and if you are helped, you did it. You really
did! You think people help you? They don't. You think people support
you? They don't.
There was a woman in a therapy group I was conducting once. She was a
religious sister. She said to me, "I don't feel supported by my superior."
So I said, "What do you mean by that?" And she said, "Well, my superior,
the provincial superior, never shows up at the novitiate where I am in
charge, never. She never says a word of appreciation." I said to her, "All
right let's do a little role playing. Pretend I know your provincial
superior. In fact, pretend I know exactly what she thinks about you. So I
say to you (acting the part of the provincial superior), 'You know, Mary,
the reason I don't come to that place you're in is because it is the one
place in the province that is trouble-free, no problems. I know you're in
charge, so all is well.' How do you feel now?" She said, "I feel
great." Then I said to her, "All right, would you mind leaving the room
for a minute or two? This is part of the exercise." So she did. While she
was away, I said to the others in the therapy group, "I am still the
provincial superior, O.K.? Mary out there is the worst novice director I
have ever had in the whole history of the province. In fact, the reason I
don't go to the novitiate is because I can't bear to see what she is up
to. It's simply awful. But if I tell her the truth, it's only going to
make those novices suffer all the more. We are getting somebody to take
her place in a year or two; we are training someone. In the meantime I
thought I would say those nice things to her to keep her going. What do
you think of that?" They answered, "Well, it was really the only thing you
could do under the circumstances." Then I brought Mary back into the group
and asked her if she still felt great. "Oh yes," she said. Poor Mary! She
thought she was being supported when she wasn't. The point is that most of
what we feel and think we conjure up for ourselves in our heads, including
this business of being helped by people.
Do you think you help people because you are in love with them? Well, I've
got news for you. You are never in love with anyone. You're only in love
with your prejudiced and hopeful idea of that person. Take a minute to
think about that: You are never in love with anyone, you're in love with
your prejudiced idea of that person. Isn't that how you fall out of
love? Your idea changes, doesn't it? "How could you let me down when I
trusted you so much?" you say to someone. Did you really trust them? You
never trusted anyone. Come off it! That's part of society's
brainwashing. You never trust anyone. You only trust your judgment about
that person. So what are you complaining about? The fact is that you
don't like to say, "My judgment was lousy." That's not very flattering to
you, is it? So you prefer to say, "How could you have let me down?"
So there it is: People don't really want to grow up, people don't really
want to change, people don't really want to be happy. As someone so wisely
said to me, "Don't try to make them happy, you'll only get in
trouble. Don't try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it
irritates the pig." Like the businessman who goes into a bar, sits down,
and sees this fellow with a banana in his ear - a banana in his ear! And he
thinks, "I wonder if I should mention that to him. No, it's none of my
business." But the thought nags at him. So after having a drink or two, he
says to the fellow, "Excuse me, ah, you've got a banana in your ear." The
fellow says, "What?" The businessman repeats, "You've got a banana in your
ear. " Again the fellow says, "What was that?" "You've got a banana in
your ear!" the businessman shouts. "Talk louder," the fellow says, "I've
got a banana in my ear!"
So it's useless. "Give up, give up, give up," I say to myself. Say your
thing and get out of here. And if they profit, that's fine, and if they
don't, too bad!
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